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Aunt Agony - breakup

Qn:
I have just broken up with my boyfriend. I don’t think I am able to cope with my work. I feel as if I’m on auto pilot every day. I am not able to sleep, even when I do sleep, I wake up in fits. I’ve lost all appetite, even when I do eat, I will throw up after eating. I feel like quitting my job, however I can’t as I’m one of the major breadwinners of my family. I feel that I can’t carry on, if I continue, I’m afraid that this will affect my work as my concentration is very much affected. Please help.

Ans:
I am sorry to hear about your loss. Break-ups are often painful and in some cases depending on the depth of the relationship and attachment, can affect one’s functioning. It seems that you are having difficulty coping with your loss and it is affecting your work. Have you shared this with somebody close to you? It would be helpful to have somebody to support and walk you through this period, e.g. a close friend or family member. You can also seek professional help, e.g. counseling. As for the loss of appetite and inability to sleep, you can also consult the help of a psychiatrist who can prescribe some medicine for you to help you through this trying period. The medicine can assist you in this period as you work through with a counselor regarding your loss. Can you speak to your supervisor in the workplace about having somebody cover your work or take some leave during this trying period? The most important thing during this period is for you to have the space and support to cope with your loss as well as to take good care of yourself.

All the best,
Naomi Tan
SAC registered counsellor

Aunt Agony - studies

Question: I graduated from my diploma course in IT from Ngee Ann Polytechnic last yr but I realised through it all that I was on the wrong course. My parents were against it and I went out of rebellion. I had trouble because I am also perfectionistic and this made things worse. My final term attachment was disastrous as I was not meeting datelines. I was not prepared for that. I realised that it was not sth I want to do for a career. My parents have their own troubles and I dont want to bother them any further. But what am I to do? It is past a year already. I did some temp work as a clerk at a shipping firm but after that I dont's seem to be able to find anything that fits me . I can't depend on my parents forever but I dont know what to do next.

Answer: Sounds like you feel helpless and loss after the negative experience of study at the poly and your work attachment. Such an experience is not uncommon - enrolling in a wrong course and feeling disappointed after such failures. We can try to use such experiences to advantage. Our wrong choices can help us understand ourselves better , equip us to face disappointment sin life and make us stronger. For instance, through this you found out that an IT career is not for you.

It is important that at this pt you do all you can to ensure that your stress and frustrations do not escalate into anxiety and depression. This will aggravate your situation. You need to find ways to channel your emotions and energies.

Do things to occupy yourself mentally. It could mean doing paid work or being engaged in a hobby or volunteering in some way that fits your interest and ability. Getting a job in a recession may be challenging buf if we are willing to be flexibel, we can widen our options for involvement and find ourselves useful in some way. Sometimes volunteering can lead to opportunities to discover our potential. Our strengths and talents may surface. It can lead to opportunities for paid employment or a career we never thought of.

Being involved in physical activies like running, gym, swimming can do wonders to low moods and energises us when we are stressed.

It will be good to explore with a counsellor or a good , wise and supportive friend your career options as well as discover any blind spots that hinder you from moving on. He or she will also be a good source of emotional support as you journey through these uncertain times.

Aunt Agony - career

Question: I have graduated from ITE with a certificate in business studies (secretarial) in 2000. Been working for 8yrs as a secretary and administrator. I\'m considering of upgrading myself but is confused whether i should continue in the field of administrative / coporate secretary or should i move on to try something different. Please help

Answer: First and foremost, there is a difference between secretary/administrator and corporate secretary. Secretaries/Administrators are personnel providing clerical and administrative support in organisations. They undertake typical work tasks such as word processing, handling phone calls and email, creating and maintaining filing systems and any other office administration. The function is basically to ensure the smooth running of an office. Corporate secretary refers to qualify/certified personal - Practising Chartered Secretaries. They provide a wide range of professional services mainly incompliance with regulatory requirements. For more information, pls visit the web link http://www.saicsa.org.sg/english/aboutsaicsa/aboutsaicsa.asp

If Michelle is in Corporate Secretariat, well I think is it perfectly alright to stay put but do consider upgrading herself constantly. Otherwise, she should consider venturing out of the profession. Frankly speaking, most organisation are not willing to invest in their admin support staff, hence there are limitations to their career path. Administration and clerical support duties can be easily handled by the younger workforce at a cheaper rate. As one falls into the mature workforce, you will find it tough to compete with the younger work force unless she is prepared to lower her expectations.

Aunt Agony - stress

Question: I work long hours. The work just keeps piling up. I am too tired when I get home but just can’t sleep at night. My family says I am always bad-tempered and recently we’ve done little else but argue and quarrel even on weekends. Yesterday I found myself shouting at my colleagues for the first time. This is not like me at all. I seem to be out of control. Please help me get my life back on track.

Answer: It is clear you are having a problem managing the stress in your life. Stress is a part of life. We can only manage stress effectively not try to get rid of it. Also stress is not all bad. There is positive stress (eustress) and negative stress (distress). You are obviously experiencing negative stress. Positive stress means facing a difficult situation and feeling motivated to perform optimally or seeing a stressful situation as an opportunity or challenge to prove ourselves.

Managing stress therefore is about making stress work for you rather than against you by transforming negative stress into positive stress. You can do this by consciously adopting the following stress-busting strategies:

1. Identify your negative self-talk (“This is just too much!” or “Why are people picking on me?”) and replacing it with positive self-statements (“I can handle this,” or “I will do my best”). Positive self-talk will help you interpret stressful situations positively rather than negatively. This is an essential first step in making stress work for you rather than against you.

2. Spend 20 minutes everyday giving your body, mind and spirit time to recover from daily stress. Take time to do relaxation exercises like deep breathing, visualizing relaxing scenes, listening to relaxing music or going for a brisk walk. Doing this during your lunch break is particularly effective. It is precisely when you feel pressurized because you have “no time” that you need to intentionally take time to de-stress.

3. Ensure you have enough time and energy for all that matters to you especially your family. Life just doesn’t work when you don’t. Learn to prioritize by distinguishing tasks which are genuinely important from those that may appear urgent but are not really important. Then focus your time and energy only on doing what is really important and avoid those that are really time-wasters. Managing your time, and your energy, is crucial to getting your life back on track.

4. Cultivate a balanced lifestyle by ensuring enough time for rest and recreation. Regular exercise and sporting activities like cycling or swimming and avoiding stimulants like tea, coffee or colas will help you sleep better at night. Ensure your diet is nutritious. Taking time regularly for activities you enjoy like going for massages, karaoke sessions, socializing with good friends or going on a relaxing family outing can help you get your life back on track.

Remember, no-one on their death beds looks back on life to wish they had spent more time in the office!

Dr. Amy Daniel
Abundant Life Counselling Services
Tel. 64427977
Email: danielaa@pacific.net.sg

Aunt Agony - ideal job

Question: At 31 years of age I am still looking for that “ideal” job. After graduating with a degree in social work, I was first drawn to the social work scene and then into counselling. Currently I am employed in criminal investigation which got me interested in reading law. This would require a full-time commitment for three years. I do not have major financial constraint.

Answer: There is no ideal job that everyone should aspire, but there is an ideal job FOR YOU! Congratulations on being your own career manager! Your commitment to regularly self-audit on what you want and where you want to go is commendable. Being aware of your own shifting preferred skills, leaning needs, goals and aspirations has motivated you to recognise your own life-stage needs and to establish career action steps for multiple career move directions. And not having any major financial constraint clears the way for you to pursue what you want.

It would seem that your people skills in social work and counselling have enhanced your work in criminal investigation and you are planning to study law to advance your career. To plan a career is to plan one’s life work – the series of occupations that give meaning and satisfaction over the lifespan. Career guidance helps but no person and no test can provide this perfect assurance.

The right job enhances your life: nourishes the most important aspects of your personality; reflects who you are; and does not force you to do things you do not do well. In other words, “suit” yourself by understanding your unique personality strengths and weaknesses. Your greatest satisfaction will come from doing what you do best so it is important to identify your work-related strengths and also what had prevented you from accomplishing or achieving something you wanted in the roles you have played so far.

Use the internet to research your career options and occupational outlook. The Singapore Ministry of Manpower is a good source of information on local labour market statistics. For online access to their publications and surveys go to:

http://www.mom.gov.sg/publish/momportal/en/communities/others/mrsd.html

Finding occupational information is a breeze at http://online.onetcenter.org/find/. The Occupational Information Network (O*NET) Content Model provides a framework that identifies the most important types of information about work and integrates them into a theoretically and empirically sound system:

Worker Characteristics (abilities, occupational interests, work values, work styles) - enduring characteristics that may influence both work performance and the capacity to acquire knowledge and skills required for effective work performance.
Worker Requirements (basic skills, cross-functional skills, knowledge, education) - descriptors referring to work-related attributes acquired and/or developed through experience and education.
Experience Requirements (experience and training, basic skills entry requirements, cross-functional skills entry requirement, licensing) - requirements related to previous work activities and explicitly linked to certain types of work activities.
Occupation-Specific Information (tasks, tools and technology) - variables or other Content Model elements of selected or specific occupations.
Workforce Characteristics (labor market information, occupational outlook) - variables that define and describe the general characteristics of occupations that may influence occupational requirements.
Occupational Requirements (generalized work activities, detailed work activities, organizational context, work context) - a comprehensive set of variables or detailed elements that describe what various occupations require.